In Honor of the Recent Posts, and My Return To NJ
Things I've Learned (The Too Long but Still Not Complete California Edition)
-If you meet Drew Barrymore and she jokingly tells you that you look like a fat Matt Damon, it is not appropriate to tell her that she looks like a fat Drew Barrymore. It is, however, amazingly funny.
-Trying to sleep with a girl by telling her you were cast as Indiana Jones' son in the new Indiana Jones film only works if there is, in fact, a new Indiana Jones film. And if she doesn't work for Steven Speilberg.
-There is a such thing as being too laid back.
-People in other cities have lost all right to ever complain about traffic. Ever.
-There are no homeless people in Los Angeles. They are just people waiting for a bus.
-If a man invites you to his hotel room to "watch a movie" he wants to sleep with you.
-Pretending your roommate just called by pressing the ring button on your phone ALWAYS works when you're in need of a quick getaway.
-Given a powerful man and a few drinks, everybody begins to ask themselves how far they would go for a break.
-Asking is not the same as doing. Homosexual producers know this.
-The bigger the celebrity, the more you feel like they're your friend. They get paid to be nice to you.
-Tom Cruise is not my friend.
-I'm still in love with Kate Bosworth.
-The people on the Real World are exactly like that in real life.
-Watching an actress have graphic sex in a film does not make meeting that actress any more awkward. It does, however, make it much more fun.
-Going to a porn party isn't all it's cracked up to be.
-Only people who have never lived in New Jersey call it Jersey.
-Laker fans are the most unknowledgable sports fans in the universe.
-There is a big difference between a city and a suburb. LA might have 3 million people, but it is essentially a giant suburb.
-In and Out Burger is the only known food substance where you can actually feel the grease travel through your veins and enter your heart.
-Everybody's got a story. Most of them are better than yours.
-There is nothing sadder than being sick and alone.
-No good movie is too long. No bad movie is short enough.
-Wearing a suit does not entitle you to enter an Emmy party.
-Nobody will ever question you if you act like a VIP.
-Out of sight does not necessarily tranlate to out of mind.
-Interesting and exciting shit is going on all the time. Leave your fucking apartment.
Things I've Learned (The Too Long but Still Not Complete California Edition)
-If you meet Drew Barrymore and she jokingly tells you that you look like a fat Matt Damon, it is not appropriate to tell her that she looks like a fat Drew Barrymore. It is, however, amazingly funny.
-Trying to sleep with a girl by telling her you were cast as Indiana Jones' son in the new Indiana Jones film only works if there is, in fact, a new Indiana Jones film. And if she doesn't work for Steven Speilberg.
-There is a such thing as being too laid back.
-People in other cities have lost all right to ever complain about traffic. Ever.
-There are no homeless people in Los Angeles. They are just people waiting for a bus.
-If a man invites you to his hotel room to "watch a movie" he wants to sleep with you.
-Pretending your roommate just called by pressing the ring button on your phone ALWAYS works when you're in need of a quick getaway.
-Given a powerful man and a few drinks, everybody begins to ask themselves how far they would go for a break.
-Asking is not the same as doing. Homosexual producers know this.
-The bigger the celebrity, the more you feel like they're your friend. They get paid to be nice to you.
-Tom Cruise is not my friend.
-I'm still in love with Kate Bosworth.
-The people on the Real World are exactly like that in real life.
-Watching an actress have graphic sex in a film does not make meeting that actress any more awkward. It does, however, make it much more fun.
-Going to a porn party isn't all it's cracked up to be.
-Only people who have never lived in New Jersey call it Jersey.
-Laker fans are the most unknowledgable sports fans in the universe.
-There is a big difference between a city and a suburb. LA might have 3 million people, but it is essentially a giant suburb.
-In and Out Burger is the only known food substance where you can actually feel the grease travel through your veins and enter your heart.
-Everybody's got a story. Most of them are better than yours.
-There is nothing sadder than being sick and alone.
-No good movie is too long. No bad movie is short enough.
-Wearing a suit does not entitle you to enter an Emmy party.
-Nobody will ever question you if you act like a VIP.
-Out of sight does not necessarily tranlate to out of mind.
-Interesting and exciting shit is going on all the time. Leave your fucking apartment.
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